My whole life, I've felt like an outsider. I'm very shy around people I don't know and I'd always been a people-pleaser. I have always been incredibly sensitive and empathic; which carried its own kind of pain. I spent my middle school years being bullied and humiliated endlessly and I was always last-picked. I was in a constant state of fawning to avoid being targeted. I never felt cool enough, pretty enough, or clever enough. I suffered abusive boyfriends who belittled me, cheated on me, and made me feel small. In my corporate design career my first few bosses were abusive and careless with me; I was in constant states of panic or depression.

When I met and married my husband Chris, I slowly learned to see myself as HE saw me. He found me beautiful, cute, funny, and smart. He enjoyed being with me and we laughed all the time. He has always been my biggest cheerleader (aside from my parents) and he taught me to believe in myself and all the qualities I bring to the table in terms of my kindness, my tenacity, my work ethic, my caring, and my whimsical bubbly spirit. He saw past my depression and my limiting beliefs. He saw in me all the things I WISHED I could see in myself. He helped me become a believer in ME and that I am perfect the way I am. He taught me to be forgiving and gracious to myself and that helped me find my power.

It wasn't easy. I battled depression since I was 16. My moods would dip and soar over and over. With medication and therapy, I found hope & stability...and with it, inner peace. Soon after, we faced a traumatic loss from a cornual ectopic pregnancy that could have killed me, several miscarriages, a diagnosis of a T-shaped uterus, and finally the diagnosis of a genetic issue that causes my body not to absorb folic acid or B-vitamins properly. I walked through the storm of that season feeling so much doubt, fear, and hopelessness. I lost my joy and my spark. Making art in my free time really helped me cope and stay in the moment. I began to read books on spirituality, manifestation, and creative visualization. I began to imagine the future I wanted. I tried to feel the emotions as if it were actually happening. I would sit and pretend I was joyfully holding a baby and feeling that contentment. I would let the love of motherhood come through me as if it were so. THAT is what carried me through and changed my whole attitude and aura. This shift touched all areas of my life and soon, I became pregnant with our first child; and then two more.

I spent the first few years of motherhood battling the feelings of exhaustion, loneliness, and overwhelm. I was not adjusting to my new normal as smoothly as I'd hoped. My kids were amazing, yet I felt so wildly inept and lacking in every way. The depression came back dark and heavy. The hormones in me caused such mood swings; I was unpredictable and rough. Five months into my third pregnancy I began having suicidal thoughts and felt like my kids would be better off if I were gone. They would eventually have a NEW mother. A better mother who had lots of energy and happiness to give. These thoughts alarmed me and I knew they were NOT from a healthy mind. I notified my husband, my doctor, my therapist, got a psychiatrist, and got child care a few days per week to give a rest and space to meditate, pray, journal, visualize, and find gratitude. I began a new medication. I became proactive in my mental health and included the whole family. And I finally turned back into my bubbly whimsical self I'd been missing for so long.

All of the positive changes I'd made in my mindset and beliefs about myself started to pay off in the form of ENERGY and MOTIVATION to explore and pursue my deepest dreams. I'd gone to art school; but my own self-doubt held me back from painting professionally. Who would want MY paintings? Who was I to say "I'm an artist?" Strengthened and encouraged by my new self-belief (Why NOT me?), I picked up my brushes again and began painting landscapes first, then abstracts with boats, then abstract florals...and I haven't stopped.